hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Every time.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing