I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard