My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing