[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
These are my emotional support Pringles.