Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.