I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
is there nothing we can trust anymore
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior