“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.