Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance