When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
How all things should be taught/explained.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Bless you
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute