This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie