Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You Might Also Like
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.