[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot