Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.