*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”