Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back