man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
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Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I am yelling
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[loses house key, starts a new life]
From my Mom
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.