My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
You Might Also Like
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Has science gone too far?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
dutch is not a serious language
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.