Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out