Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now