roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
monday