Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Coffee for people with no kids
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets