We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
You Might Also Like
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”