*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
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ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.