I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Oh hi lol
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death