When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
this isn’t threatening at all
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?