MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
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Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.