Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Maths meets science
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all