Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
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Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*checks Timeline*…
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.