My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.