Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.