I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck