I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard