*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.