Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”