*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
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Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Meow
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”