[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
jesus, what did this guy do
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice