*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
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Tell me you get it…🤣
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My background check bounced.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.