I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
You Might Also Like
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
kitchen magnet
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.