What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.