me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
You Might Also Like
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.