My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ