Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
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Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan