Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6