Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
What about a To-Don’t List?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.