I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!