I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
the dark web is just a goth google.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
? 💀
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes