I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now