[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Haha good job!!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.