You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I am a gravy boat captain
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.