I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
absolutely not
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”